February 2012
1 post
I think it’s been two years since I posted something on this blog. Sometimes I go back and read some things and a lot of times, I wish I sought help. Or companionship. I wish I would have stood up for myself, because I was scared.
I’m doing fine now. In fact, I am doing wonderfully. Tons better than I ever was. This is the happiest I have ever been. I am in love with my best friend,...
March 2010
11 posts
Attention:
I’m considering onto making another separate blog. This one will probably still be up, but I don’t want to use it anymore. I can not make a big deal and delete all of its contents and start fresh, but in case you didn’t know, leavethisplanet is my alternative Tumblr. I’m trying to be careful to not expose my default Tumblr because people from school can find it. If they...
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5:56 AM
Mo is a male version of myself. Only bigger, stronger, wiser, and older… And Japanese.
But I feel as though we share the same minds at most times, and I feel lucky to have a friend who understands from my perspective even without me explaining anything. Mo is the older brother I’ve always wanted and loved. Although we have only known each other for however many months, I just know...
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"I'm sure you're not a horrible girlfriend"
Believe me when I say it, I totally am.
I can become jealous easily, my mood swings are ridiculous, I don’t think before I speak at most times, I sound like a boy going through puberty [which I’m sure is okay with you], I can be close-minded, I speak my mind too often, I’m fucking stubborn, I have to deal with paranoia, I expect too much out of everything. And you still...
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Saber
I’ve always been the one to keep some things to myself. I believe that some thoughts are meant to be for yourself, and no one else unless you’re comfortable about them. That’s how I feel about a few friends. We’ll have huge laughs about whatever, but I know I won’t come to the terms of telling them my every struggle. I keep most of my struggles to myself, thanks. No...
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Our Baby, Kimberly
Being the average kids we are, Chink and I decided to crash the mall and life goes on from there.
We went into a clothing store for infants and toddlers and pretended we had a two month old baby named Kimberly. “Do you think Kimberly would like this?” “She’s only two months old!”
I could not repress my obnoxious laughter, but the Asian cashier either bought it or thought we were being retards...
An Ever-Growing Wonder—We Came As Romans
I...
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If I'm not willing to risk it all, perhaps I don't...
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It's Not a Monster
The heavy footsteps gradually fade off And the Unknown left me breathless Every short gasp for air aches the empty chest I am in smithereens…
The monster had sensed my presense He picked me up, Glared me in the eyes and Tore apart my skin
I howled, I shook, I cried But for what purpose? I enjoyed the pain I enjoyed it until he opened my empty chest And detached my most important organ
I...
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It's Both
I can’t decide on whether I miss you or miss what we were. Plenty of times, I catch myself being lost in memories we’ve constructed over the years. And I can’t help but smile. I could smile all day long, just thinking about what we’ve conversed over, what we did as kids, and what our plans were once we have grown up together.
You taught me as much as I’ve taught...
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What's In a Name II
Repeating my handle, over and over, trying to figure out my name. Julie? Judy? Like a baby beginning to speak, my name was foreign. Face it, my name is rarely given unless we’re watching Zenon or taking a test with word problems.
By the way, the name’s Judy.
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Dear Diane,
Although we’ve known each other since our toddler years, our “close” relationship isn’t exactly as close as I’d like it to be. Sure, we can talk up a storm and you understand what a freak I am, but I limit myself to what I can tell you. Nonetheless, I love you.
Happy 16th birthday.
Love, Judy
P.S I can’t forgive myself for breaking the trio. I apologize if I put you in a rough spot because of...
February 2010
21 posts
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8:24 PM
Phillian the platypus was silently watching the clouds alone. No disruptions, no interruptions, no mishaps, nothing of the negative force. For that moment of her life, Phillian felt relaxed.
She sighs and continues to feel a knot. “I need to crack my neck.” she thought. Phillian sat up and saw Chrilous the coyote.
A disruption, interruption, mishap, something of the negative force has just...
“Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.”
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What's In a Name
What is my name? It’s less than a symbolic handle, for sure. It’s simply what my mother has decided to call me for the rest of my life because the name has a “nice ring” to it. Writing my name on papers doesn’t seem right. I’m not a Judy. Judy is a creepy aunt whom everyone tries to avoid. I stare at my name and decide it’s not going to make me what it...
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The Douche and the Ignorance
I was attacked by a football in English class yesterday. A chubby douche and his friends were throwing that pig skinned toy around, and things got heated up. Here’s me, reading silently, a humongous collection of Stephen King dark tales, and comes a monster towards my head. Was I severely harmed? No. In fact, it felt good. Blood rushing through the inside of my head and neck made me feel so warm...
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More Nonsense
The words said mean so much and so little now. I can’t help but to believe things were actually fine back in the day. I’m far from broken and I’m not near devastation. But at the same time, pure happiness is distant from where I’d like it to be. What is pure happiness? To be glad and content is one thing, but genuine joy is another. Genuine joy ranks best, but I’m...
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Mind Box
Let me say it aloud: I am uninspired.
My mind is like television. It has its own hundreds of channels, and I’m the person who clicks the remote robotically. Here starts a Spanish soap opera, then goes to a Geico commercial. No rhythm. Then my thumb presses the button and I land on TLC. Then to the Discovery channel and to golf. Still, no rhythm.
This is how I work when I’m...
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Dear Wife,
If you’ll ever read this…
It’s been almost two weeks of not having you here with us. At first, I thought everything would completely change. I think I’m so used to change, that I barely noticed major differences. But here I am, over-analyzing the comparisons and contrasts of this and last week.
We miss you, and hope you’re doing alright. Actually, I hope...
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Still, But Not Always
Isn’t it ridiculous to say that I’m still hurt from everything? One way or the other, I’m affected more or less. I’m still hurt for the weak kid I was when standing up for myself was something I wasn’t capable of doing. I’m still hurt for wasting my time on people who I failed to realize didn’t matter, but spent hours putting them on my mental pedestal....
The butterflies I feel in my stomach eventually...
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I'm a Dimwitted Believer II
Phases are for confused people. I am not a confused person, especially when it comes to the things I’ve been through before. This is not a phase, this is not a phase. I’ll keep repeating this to myself until I get it straight.
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Just a Moment
To be scared and to be nervous are two completely different emotions. You approached me the first time this year and questioned if I was scared. Scared of what? Your presence? Or what you’re going to do? Or just the plain fact that you magically popped out of nowhere. I replayed the scene over and over and wondered if I was truly scared.
Then I realized that I wasn’t. I was anxious...
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Dear Tumblr,
I think I’m going to take a break from writing, although I’m sure you’ve already noticed my missing. I just want to confront that.
It’s not that I have a lot going on, but the fact that I can’t explain what is going on. And the how’s and why’s seem so foreign. I’m not troubled, I promise. No, I take that promise back. I’m fine. More than...
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What?
Let me blame it all on you. On you, on you, on you. I won’t press charges, promise. But for me to make you responsible for everything I see makes me feel better. Oh, Judy. You selfish cunt.
Beat it.
I should make a song out of this.
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The Nonsense I Burped Out
I guess I was screaming random words in my head when the specifics were needed. No wonder fucking why nothing’s completed the way it was planned. What’s the use of my imaginary blueprint if it’s not going to be used? Forget and leave the construction workers. This is something I’d like to build by myself. Only, will I have the patience?
The fuck is this monstrocity my...
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Finally Answered
I go on with my days just like any other. The things that vex me physically and mentally stay focused, and often out of tune. I thought to myself, why go through this? My insides gave a chuckle and let out, ‘Because the world has much to offer. As do you.’ That was the last day I questioned the obvious and went towards elsewhere.
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Forget Forever
Always will my first instinct be to keep my distance and pretend nothing is in my way. Always will I be defeated without realizing so in the first place. Always will I be the defenseless worm. Always, but not forever. I’ll find the courage to everything eventually.
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Kitty Kat
I was your only ride to a friend’s sweet sixteen. We haven’t seen each other for probably over two years and you never looked more adorable with your bright red extensions.
We’re sitting side by side in the car, I can smell your bubblegum, and you’re showing me your recent trip’s photos. I wasn’t sure if we were more excited about going to the party or just hanging out for the first time in...
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Value
On some days, I like to think of you as an outsider. Some days, I like to believe you’re a work of art. On rare occasions, I tend to think you’re God’s result of a fucked up creation. On any other typical day, I like to acknowledge you as something that mattered. But the thing is, I don’t know you.
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I'm a Dimwitted Believer
I am immune and new to this and it makes me absolutely ridiculous around my surroundings and to myself. I can’t contain my right state of mind. But it’s not like this all the time. For the most part, I have control over myself. Right?
Right. Whatever you say.
January 2010
23 posts
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This Calls For a Venn Diagram
If there’s one thing I hate most, it’s being compared to other well-behaved family members or old friends. I can’t change the way I am permanently. I’ve tried. It’s hard to do, it’s stupid, and it’s not needed. I can’t magically earn straight A’s. That shit’s harder than it seems. I’m not the most “Asian” person...
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Imagination vs. Actuality
I have this little bit of fantasy built into a small portion of my head. This fragment made me believe that everything will be easy and fine by the end. This fragment made me believe that nothing could hurt me. This little piece of fantasy has bullshitted me and I know this because I have been exposed to reality.
I have this little bit of reality forced upon every make-believe I’ve ever...
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Not Your Biggest Fan
No longer will I genuinely look up to anyone again. I am my own rolemodel. I no longer want to wish to be in someone’s shoes. To live the ways and make choices that I think is best for me and to the best of my abilities is how it’s going to be for now on. Admiration is one thing, but to follow around famous people and drool upon their success and pride is another. I will never turn...
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My First Girl Crush
I had my first girl crush in the 5th grade. I was ten going on eleven. I was the new kid in school and I’ve never seen such arrogant kids released into a zoo-like charter. The girl and I quickly became friends and I
thought nothing more of it in the beginning. Her name was Elysa.
On the first day of school, Mrs. Allen asked her to show me around the school. “That’s the restroom. That’s the...
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Were vs. Now
Until this moment, I forgot your face. I forgot your cute little bottom lip. I forgot the frustration you had with your unbearable bangs. I basically forgot your image. Truth be told, I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. We were so close. Were. That is now the sharp keyword that has stained into both, the left and right sides of my brain.
We were inseparable. We were conjoined by the...
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Sixteen Candles
It’s as if my days are numbered. Six days left sounds as if I’m to be a guillotine victim. If so, call me Robespierre. Being a year older calls for more lectures. Being a year older calls for more of Mom’s expectations. Being a year older means growing up. Fuck.
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Travel in Storms
We desired to reach a thousand miles. But as far as supply goes, this was only as far as we could roam. We had plans and dreams as one, only to be lost in the crevices of our earth. Was it the earthquake’s fault? What had we been defeated to? Our plans and dreams seem to have dropped altogether into the crust, then mantle, and soon, the core of everything.
Enough of “ours” and...
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Parental Control
My future lies in the hands of my parental units. They control most of me. They are the ones who decide if I can go elsewhere. They analyze my friends and see if they’re good enough people to be around with. They judge me from head to toe. They are the ones who will pay for most of my college tuition— Only if what I want to study is worthy enough. If they don’t want me to study...
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Would you accompany me and my fuck-ups?
Because I mess up— A lot. To me, my flaws stand out more than my successes. I am bothered by my little mistakes and I often over-analyze every scenerio, what if’s, has been’s, and was’.
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You'll Be Fine II
I haven’t heard bickerings in a while. I haven’t heard insults, nor have I heard put-downs from Mom. I like this. I understand why she’s stopped; She’s sick. We’re not sure what it is, but she is sick. The last thing we want in the household is more screaming and yelling. We don’t want to end up like those predictable movies on Lifetime and have regrets on...
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See Things Skin-Deep
I am not from the beach. I am not of sea urchins, shells, and hermit crabs. Therefore, I am not shallow. It’s completely ignorant to think only people beautiful from their outer layers should have the labels of pretty. It’s not difficult to find pure beauty in everything. But to these top magazines, they try everything to prove otherwise. They manipulate regular people into seeing the...
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You'll Be Fine
Mommy, Momma, Mom. I love you. I really hope you’re aware of that. No matter how many times I drive you insane, no matter how many times you strain your voice to lecture me, I love you. I love your Cantonese face, I love your thick accent, I love your cooking, I love your silly jokes, I love your strict parenting, I love you.
I hope you’ll be fine. I wouldn’t know what to do....
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I Shall Always Remember That Smile
From which world did it come?
I’ve got no theories on this touch of subject. It would probably be too much work to figure out. Perhaps, once I ease my mind a bit, it wouldn’t matter too much. Or a bit. Or at all. Perhaps, once all this heavy duty weight is lifted from my aching shoulders, all will be relieved— At the least, at the most. Or at last.
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What Woke Me Up
Do you know how weird it is to fall asleep and imagine the contours of your face? To see where each line and cut and scab were, vividly on your body. And to be sure that they were there? I draw out perfect replicas in my brain and imagine out the shirts you’ve worn, the way your hair stood or curled or screwed up. I hear the voice that belonged to the same shadow. I hear your laughter and...
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This World Is Upside Down
I feel like I’m doing your mother’s job. I am only as protective of you than anyone else because you’re part of my family. We sure don’t share the same blood and our DNA’s sure as hell don’t trace across each other, but I care. I care enough to advise you to obey your parents. I’ve been on the other side of fence when I broke my parents’ hearts. And...
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Give Until There’s Nothing...
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Mind Collaboration at 12:13 AM
This, this is just another one of those cycles. Where at one moment I have nothing significant to say, but have a lot to think. Where I think so much and what I want to believe is most likely not worth my problems. I know what’s best for myself, but I cannot convince my mind just yet. I have a whole lot to learn.